Diagnosis Day

1st of April 2022.

Yes, April Fools Day.

It was snowing outside as we pulled up to the hospital.

After receiving the phone call the day before instructing me, ''to please come in accompanied to get your results'', we knew this wasn't going to be good news. And even after a sleepless night nothing can prepare you for those words.

The words that you never imagined you would hear.

“I'm sorry, you have Cancer''.

It's hard to explain how you feel in that moment. Your whole world stops spinning. This huge tidal wave just crashes over you. Followed by fear, disbelief, shock and then came the tears.

A diagnosis that will shape the rest of my life.

It's hard to imagine this scenario getting any worst, until I tell you these words were said in the form of an alarmingly slow broken stutter. Filled with confusion and panic as we were given no warning that the surgeon breaking this pretty huge life changing news had recently had a stroke, and was now suffering with a speech impediment. Unable to speak more than a single word at a time. Making it slow and painful. And filled me with even more fear.

Fan-bloody-tastic could this get any worst?!

Within minutes, we were swiftly moved to another room. As I sat there feeling numb, a lovely McMillan nurse attempted to breakdown my results. As I was trying to digest all of these new alien medical terms, it hit me that this was the start of a whole new terrifying world. I was about to be thrown on the conveyor belt of Cancer.

My Biopsy Results

Grade 2 , Invasive Ductal Cancer. The lump was small at 7.7mm.

I had tested Positive for the hormone receptor test - fantastic. (That’s a post for another day!)

HER2 test results still pending....

Then the conversation took a turn that floored me all over again.

''What are our plans for having children in the future?''

Hit by another wave of fear as the uncertainty of having my fertility now put at risk and the dreams of having children naturally being shattered. I was too busy trying to process Cancer was in my body to fully understand the magnitude of how big this was. It was about to effect every aspect of my life. And all of the people in it.

1st/2nd/3rd April 2022

The next coming days were some of the hardest I have ever had to deal with.

I didn't think it was humanly possible to cry so many tears.

Trying to process that this was really happening to me, and then the horrible reality of breaking the news to all of the closest people around me.

Going through the cycle of painful emotions each time, watching the reaction of shock then disbelief then the tears. And although this was incredibly tough, and emotionally draining I knew I needed to get this part out of the way. I needed everyone to be buckled in with me on this rollercoaster that was about to begin.

Whilst also feeling a strange sense of relief, as in some small way I was taking back some sort of control when I felt like it had been so abruptly all taken away from me.

Going through something like this, I believe could really make or break a relationship. The magnitude of what we was facing was so far beyond something we could have ever imagined and especially being so young. But Rob became my rock and I'll forever be grateful for him getting me through some of the darkest days, where the fear of the unknown consumed me.

I saw this beautiful poem that so perfectly resonates with me and us and these painful days.

The support, love and kindness that came following the news overwhelmed me. 

Written by @Saralou.writes